My new hobby and other stuff

Since my accident, I have not been able to participate in a hobby that doesn't give me pain in my wrist. Usually, I would cross-stitch, sew, or make scrapbook pages. I really enjoyed doing these things, but haven't been participating in any hobbies for about 2 1/2 years. I went to the Grand Canyon this summer and saw this book. At first, I didn't think about having a new hobby. I got it because I go to national parks frequently and I thought I could do something with the book and visiting parks. My mom is actually the one who suggested that I could make a new hobby with this. Even though I've visited many, I can always go back and get my sticker and cancellation stamp. Next up is the Jefferson memorial park where the arch is. Travel is a bit hindered for me, because I fall asleep pretty easily if I'm tired. So travel is a bit more difficult, now, but I do try to rest before I leave. 

School has started for the year. I'm working on figuring out what the curriculum and IEPs are dictating for the students. I think I've got it figured out for the year.  I'm in a different space this year. My co teacher and I are in different rooms. The school is under construction and I'm appreciative of the fact that I don't have to change rooms each period.  

I went to visit friends in S. Illinois for the first time in about 2 years. I had so much fun. I need to make it there again more often. 

I've been extremely tired the past few months. I usually hit a wall around 2 to 3 pm.  I've always been the one who doesn't nap, even in college. Now, I'm lucky if I can make it through the day. Sometimes I just have my eyes closed and nothing happens. I've been really struggling with sleep. Sleep is important because if I don't sleep, something can possibly happen. More sleep is usually indicative of depression and less sleep can lead to hypomania, and excess spending and overly directed activity along with racing thoughts, all of which I do not want, especially now. 

Changes

So much has happened in the past month!  Dad did get listed with UNOS and his local transplant service. We've talked about insurance... One if those sticky stubborn areas and he will be making a change in October. His next big decision is "advance directives". Dad now knows the importance of these documents after talking to friends and watching switches at birth. That has made my job easier on this front, but I've also been asking him for the past 10 years to complete something like this so I would at least know what to do in that case. I know it's hard to think about but good to have. So he will complete this soon. I tried not to influence his decision about who to give that information to; it's most likely me. 

I've been working on getting an intermittent leave of absence. I had the one form filled out and I see cps has changed vendors for fmla's. So I have a new form that needs to be changed😏😏

I started running recently. I feel great when I start but my motivation is terrible. I got a friend for that and we are meeting every week. That's nice it holds us accountable and I've been sharing with my doctor. 

I'm going to Las Vegas in the next few weeks. Summer is quickly winding down.

Abby 

Feeling like me!

Lately, for a long time, probably about 4 years or so, I haven't felt all that great.  I mean I would get up and go and do what I love, but I just wasn't feeling all that great or "feeling it".  After a long four years, I believe we have finally found the medical answer.  I take relatively few medications, but the effects are clear and effective.  Lithium and Lamictal are the only two "bipolar" medications I take.  I've tried numerous others with a variety of effects.  In fact, initially, I had told my doctor that the Lamictal was not working and I did not take it for a year.  Earlier this year, though, I was experiencing a depression that wasn't going away, even though I was taking the Lithium.  After discussion, I decided to begin taking Lamictal, again.  For Lamictal to work, you need to start at 25mg over 2 weeks to prevent any kind of rash or side effects, which means finding the effective dose can take a long time.  For me, the most effective dose was 200mg.  I had never been at 200mg.  I feel like my old self going back about 5 years ago.

Now that I know what not feeling like myself and feeling like my old self feel like in me, I don't ever want that feeling to change!

Dad

My dad has always been an independent person. He doesn't really ask for much and when he does it is truly something he needs to get done. He can be really stubborn sometimes and it does take a while to convince him of things. 

A few years ago he was sent to the hospital by his urologist. His sister had said that the last time she saw him, he looked really bad. He was bloated in his face and she was planning to talk to him. Christmas before, he came to Vegas and said that he felt chills even though the weather was mild. The day he went to the urologist though, he wasn't producing any urine. He was in icu and they told him he was in kidney failure, which is what he told me on text. I talked to his doctors and nurses almost his entire stay at the hospital; almost 3 weeks. After that, he went to a rehab facility so he could learn how to walk again because laying down for 3 weeks makes you lose muscle that quick. We argued about the rehab facility. I said he needed to be in Chicago, closer to me. He said he wanted to be closer to home. So I told the social worker to find one closer to his home. He was there for 6 weeks and hated it. 

Now, he again is faced with kidney failure stage 5. He isn't happy about it and is in quite a bit of denial, but he is learning that he doesn't always have to be independent and stubborn in everything. My dad has had 2 surgeries to move veins in preparation for dialysis. He is not needing dialysis at this point, but the time will come when he does and you want to be prepared for that time. 

He is also getting prepared for getting on the list for transplant. He will go in on June 23 and 24 to find out his best match and cross match and go from there. My sisters are interested in knowing how they can help him best, but this step has to be done before anything else. I will be going with him as well to provide support, more information, and possibly help make decisions about his care. 

Drama-just life

So, my dog tore her CCL otherwise known as an ACL in her right leg. It was completely detached. And she tore some of her meniscus. The repair cost nearly 4000 dollars to get her all put together again. She's looking great in her walking and supervised running and play but she is so ready!  The vet did a tta type of surgery where she got a 90 degree knee design. Now if she'll need a second surgery for it again for the other leg, I'll give her to the first bidder! 

Depression or Bipolar

2010 was an amzaing year! I was able to complete my fundraising commitment of 1,400 to the Team To End Aids training program and ran about half the marathon on a hot day, which was pretty good for me. Went to Vegas several times this year and went to the Southern Carribbean which was heavenly!  I even had a few dates... yes romantic ones.

As 2010 turns into 2011, I visit my family in Las Vegas.  I am extremely goal focused on making these really cute blankets.  Every hour, every minute is spent on making the super cute blankets.  I sleep a limited number of hours, shop for fleece material every spare moment I have, and talk about making blankets like there is no tomorrow.  My family may have noticed something was up, they didn't tell me, until after I had left. 

Here comes the depression, after visiting my family in Mississippi.  More Celexa is the answer.  We're up to the therapuetic dose.  Let's try another medication... I get worse, not better.  My dad is ill and I'm having to take responsibility for his health updates with kidney failure from Chicago, 4 hours away from him.  I go visit about 4 times; the most I can while I'm dealing with my own issues.  More antidepressants... We tried a number of medications to get this treated and gone.... Abilify, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Remeron, Ambien to help with sleep, and I had a reaction to most. I'm currently on the Celexa at 60 mg, and Remeron at 30 mg. And no more Abilify and Wellbutrin.


I'm shopping for things that I don't need!  I'm talking super fast, focused on making a successful school check out library, buy airplane tickets to Philadelphia out of nowhere.... wait airplane tickets?  The Thursday before my birthday I told my pdoc about my spontaneous purchase that day... He gives me a quick bipolar test questionaire verbally and diagnoses me that day, saying he had suspected bipolar in the past, but was hesitant to say anything.  He says I'm bipolar 2 and immediately starts me on some bipolar medications.

 

In the early hours of my 36th birthday, I'm having trouble sleeping and doing lots of thinking, of course with "Married With Children" on TV in the background, shows how much real thinking I'm doing in these early hours.

At approximately 1:36am, after 33 hours of labor, my mom gave birth to me in 1975. I've had some hard birthdays, 25 and 35. I've had some easy birthdays 21, 30, 34, 36, etc. But this one is both easy and hard. Easy because of the number, but hard because of life.

I make it no secret that I have depression. I am very fortunate to be able to do so and telling people has been such a rewarding experience that I don't think it's a bad thing anymore. I think it's ok for people to wrap their heads around these things today than it was back in the day. Now, I've been struggling with depression for the past few months. I had been on Celexa 20mg. Last depression was 2 years ago and the doctor and I were going to try to taper it down. I had gotten it down to 20mg from 40mg and the depression feelings came back, hard.

So, here I am 2 years later from diagnosis and I wonder, should I say anything?  Depression was nothing compared to Bipolar Disorder.  I've been wondering if I should tell my employer so that I can get accommodations if I need them.  Most of the time, I am fine... but there are some days when I just can't concentrate or get something turned in on time.  Do I ask for extended time? I mean, my boss is sick himself.  I think he would be understanding about everything and I wouldn't use it all the time.  I think my big thing is that in order to ask for some leeway, I will need to disclose that I am bipolar. 

No more Zoloft or Abilify, please!

About a month ago, I was taking Zoloft at 25mg to keep me from going into a depression.  Sure enough, the Zoloft sent me into a hypomanic state. I knew I had been stressed already and got a UTI.  The urologist gave me Levaquin, which usually works for me, but this time it gave me the side effect of depression.  So back up on the Zoloft to counteract the Levaquin. On top of that, my pdoc wanted to control the small rapid cycles that I have been having. So we started Abilify.  I had strong reservations for this, because of the last time I had taken Abilify and my reaction then.  He didn't give me the full 10mg dose, because I am so sensitive to medication and how my body reacts to how I treat it.  I was taking 5mg for 2 weeks and didn't see a difference, but Zoloft had been tapered down and I was only on Abilify and Lithium 1200mg.  Seroquel 100mg as needed at night.  After an increase of Abilify to 7.5mg, I became insanely irritated with everyone!  The kids, my sister, coworkers, etc!  I was on that for 3 days and got off as soon as my pdoc told me to.  Currently, I'm in a depression, although I've been hypomanic in the past few days.  I'm glad I'm in this depression so that it will slow me down.  I was getting way too excited about back to school and it's only June! 

Current meds: Lithium 1200mg, Seroquel 100mg as needed (which I've needed every single night), Synthroid 250mmg (down 25mmg), Vitamin D 5000 IU

Going up

These past few weeks have sent me into a slightly hypo manic state.  I was taking a small dose of Zoloft and with my body being so sensitive to small changes of medicine.  Now, I'm taking 200 mg of Seroquel to help counter the hypo mania.    Many things are contributing to this episode.  First, the end of the school year is near.  It is a busy time already, I've added my own goal directed activity of completing curriculum maps for my subject area.  Additionally I'm cleaning the house because my mom is coming to visit, which always throws a wrench into my moods.  

Been a while

Haven't posted in forever! Slowly learning to live with bipolar, but its still hard. I'm constantly wondering if I'm heading into a manic or depressive episode. I've only had 1 depressive episode this year. Not sure when the other shoe is going to drop and I'll have to deal with a manic period. When it happens I will deal with it like I always do. But this time if I'm taking Zyprexa, I'll have to figure out public transportation. I am too sleepy to drive with that medication. I actually got into an accident because I fell asleep at the wheel. I've got to be responsible too.
Last year about this time I was in an accident that changed my life. A man ran a red light and I smashed into him head-on. I honked my horn for him to see me, but he didn't. My right wrist was broken immediately. I went to the hospital and it was confirmed a colles fracture. I went to an orthopedic surgeon and scheduled the surgery for the following week. I had a titanium plate screwed into my bones I was in a cast for a week and then into a plastic splint. Life was difficult last summer as I was rehabilitating my arm, looking for a job, and having a summer vacation. It wasn't much of one.
All back to normal except for a few pain spots on my wrist. I was in close contact with my pdoc during that time.
Medications that I am taking now: 1200 mg lithium, 50 mg lamictal, and 275mg levothyroxin (synthroid)

Guess that's all for now!
Hg

Update

Hi!
I've been away mostly because I didn't have internet access. Now that I have internet, I'll be able to post more often. Or not... it depends on how I feel. Since I last posted, the doctor and I were working on getting me more stabilized so that I wouldn't be so manic. The mania did not subside until I was at 1500 mg of Lithium and 2000 mg of Depakote. Once we reached that point for a while, the decision was made to begin lowering the Lithium. We wanted to move as slowly as possible with the medication. We got down to 900 mg of Lithium and I started to become manic again. So the medication was increased again. Now we are at 1200 mg Lithium and 2500 mg Depakote. Enough of that, I went to Europe for 11 days. I had such a great time! I went on my own and even though it was hard to focus on preparing for the trip beforehand, going and enjoying myself was no problem!

Current:
Just increased: Lithium: 1350mg
Depakote: 2500mg
Lamictal: 100mg
Synthroid: 175 mmg

Vegas, Baby!

I go to Vegas to visit my family, not gamble. Although this time I did gamble. I made the decision to stay at the Stratosphere and not with family. I also got a rental car (Kia Soul, thank you). Best decision, EVER! I didn't feel pressured to spend time with family, I did my own thing and did some neat photography, visited family, family visited me, and I had time with my nephew, and got a haircut.

My family can be intense. My sister and I are already planning how we're going to do Vegas for the holidays. Even though they are intense, I love them very much. I would love to do this again. The money is so worth the frustration.

Nothing really new on the medication front. Nothing new on the job front. I have alot of phone calls to make tomorrow. And after that's done, I can start working on how I'm going to answer questions that I should have been able to answer, but wasn't able to, like "What are some comprehension strategies for readers who struggle?" Deer in headlights look... I'm a reading specialist, I should know this... Deer in headlights look... smile... On to the next question...crap.
So I'm going to write out some key points and bring them with me to the interview, kinda like cheat sheets, but I think it's fine, given the situation... we'll call them ADA accomodations.

Unexpected Quickie Trip

After the talking to we got in Board Chambers about what my position is and isn't, I decided to go out to Vegas. We're supposed to make phone calls, which I can do from Vegas, and positions for me are few and far between. I've figured out how much I really am qualified to teach, and it's not much, I think, unfortunately. I'll call down to Springfield for help some time in the next few weeks, but not until Tuesday!!! I'm out to Vegas. I'm actually going to be a "tourist" even though my family lives there! First on the agenda, Mom's house!

I'll be gone from the 8th until the 13th.

I was worried that this was a bit of a manic episode, but I can tell it's not. Everything I've been doing has been in preparation for the trip. I haven't bought anything, I haven't gotten strange ideas in my head, I haven't had any impulse buys, I haven't been up all night, and I've been eerily calm in my head. The only thing that I'm thinking of is what needs to be planned for the trip. Again, advance planning. I'm bringing a book to try and read. It's the next in the series of Rick Riordian. This was an impulse buy back in the day.

Here's to a great mini vacation!

Meds:
.5 Seroquel
1500mgLithium
2000mg Depakote
100mg Lamictal
100mg Levothyroxine

Vacation

I haven't been posting mostly because I don't want to deal with the hassle of my internet provider. But, now at the library, I can update a few things. I am going on vacation! I'm going to Las Vegas to visit my family and I'm hoping that it will keep me going until December.

We were told what our rights and responsibilities are yesterday for my job. I'm in the reappointed job pool. We get to have 30 days excused paid with no work responsibilities other than looking for a job. My first day on Monday I am going to make some phone contacts that I had started over the summer.

Not too much different in the medication department. Really trying to watch in case a manic episode should appear when Seroquel is completely gone. I'm down to 150mg.

My obliviousness is even more obvious now. I ask really dumb questions. I mean questions that can be found on a sign, menu, or building. Geez! That is so frustrating, like yesterday, I asked what is your phone number. One person said well you have both of mine on the letter you got, the other person said oh my phone numbers are... Whatever... I've gotten used to people pointing out the obvious.

Medications: 150 mg Seroquel
1500 mg Lithium
2000mg Depakote
100mg Lamictal
100mg Levothyroxine for hypothyroidism
10mg Ambien for sleep

What a doozy!

I usually spend time at home typing these, but my internet is so slow that I'm using the public library. There is a new one in my neighborhood. I love it! Anyway, back to business. I will be on my way to Niagara Falls tomorrow. I planned this trip a few weeks ago and it was my first attempt at planning something for the future, since everything happened. I think I did a decent job. I have 1 activity planned and the hotel is reserved for the cheaper price and since it doesn't matter to me when I go, I got the cheaper price hotel rooms. I'm going to be on the Canadian side which will be an experience for me, but there's always time for new experiences. I have my passport packed and ready to go! That's the only thing I have ready to go.

I intended to get up and start packing and finish by afternoon. Instead, I took 2 Ambien because I couldn't sleep last night and slept until 12:30. Then, I went to drop off Drama at boarding, print my vouchers for the Behind the Falls Journey, and then pack everything like I wanted. I still have most of the day available and it's not raining now, which even better for packing (in the car).

While most of my symptoms have disappeared, and my pdoc said that they would over time, planning this trip was one, I still have some that linger, not seeing the obvious, this might just be me, but when I go to places and I'm trying to touch the screen and it's not a touch screen (like what happened this morning at the library) or when I freaked out that I didn't have enough medicine, when more was just behind my elbow. That one was pretty funny. In my brain, I move slower than I used to, or at least it feels that way.

There have been medication changes I'm sure since the last post. Currently I am on 1500mg of Lithium and 2000mg of Depakote. I know that the Depakote has been added since the last post. Using Lithium and Depakote is a strong combination, and the Depakote will be increased to at least 2500 or 3000mg. Which is a normal dose for this medication as I'm told. To me, it seems like a ton of medication, but if it's making me feel better, I'm OK! I'm also on 450mg Seroquel, with 10-20 mg Ambien as needed. In the morning, 100mg Lamictal and in the morning and Synthroid 100mg.

All the medication really keeps me in line, but there are still days when I can't sleep and I have to take Ambien twice. Once usually works for me, but when I have 2 it really knocks me out. I don't have any recollection about what I did like feed the dogs, eat, take Drama out, text anyone, pack, etc and then it usually makes me sleep for most of the day, which I've discussed earlier, but experience was quite a doozy!

Cleaning as I go

Most of you may already know this, but I am not the neatest person in the world. I've decided to clean one room of my house a day. If I know where something goes I put it there, If I don't it goes to the next room that will be cleaned. Who knows what happens with all the stuff I am not sure about, we'll find out at the end of the cycle. A few days ago, I cleaned my bathroom. Today, I cleaned my living room. Tomorrow or the next day will be the dining room. It's kinda exciting when I come home and it's all clean!

I signed Drama up for Leash and Recall Manners class. I would love to get her into Agility classes, she would be so good at those classes. Another one I'm thinking of is K9 Nose class. She is wonderful in those types of tasks.

I signed myself up for quilting class. All my stuff is purchased and the class is paid for, all I need to do is show up on the day. Same thing for Drama's classes.

I'm thinking of a few things to do so that I get out and enjoy some summer in the city! I'm putting the Nature Museum on my list, as well as Lincoln Park Zoo, and taking pictures all over. I think that should keep me relatively busy.

HG

Pedicure

I've been keeping myself busy this week. But, I've been having major problems with my medicine. First, the bood stuff, I've started running. I'm slowly getting back up to one mile. In the past, I've been able to run a 5K... and even a half marathon! But I've been able to run the 5K distance all the way through. Right now I'm at the .91 mile and if I had pushed I could have done the mile. I'm able to divide the run into quarters and run most of the run. Today, I even kept running without realizing my time was up! So, I have high hopes that I'll get to the one mile run fairly quickly.

Yesterday, I had a great time with a great group of friends. Before dinner, I had a pedicure... something I haven't done in years! My nail color is a purply lavender color. The massage was heavenly even though I had hairy legs! I got flip flops to wear to the restaurant and then so much laughter for such a long time. I needed that, and I made myself go.

Medication issues: So, the doctor doesn't think that Lithium is really working for me. Right now, I'm at the highest dose of Lithium. He says he thinks an add on of Depakote will be beneficial. I'm wondering if I could go lower on the Lithium and then have the Depakote as an add on. I'm also still on Seroquel, which the doctor wants to get me off of, but doesn't feel like he can because it's keeping me at bay and not going into hypomania, which we all know what happened last time.
About an hour after taking my nighttime medication (Seroquel and Lithium), I get this junkie feeling, like I can't stop moving my legs and arms. It makes going to bed really difficult. Usually when this happens, I take a Klonopin (which knock me out), then take a shower, which helps to alleviate the junkie feeling, then if I still am wired, I take another. If I'm getting tired after one, I'll just go to bed. If not, I'll go to bed after 2. This night time thing is the most irritating that I have had so far. Sooo irritating!

In work news, I found out I am in the reassignment pool. I appear to receive all benefits and all pay?? I don't think this is necessary fair, but it means I won't need unemployment. And, if I'm looking for a job, that's my pay?? I talked to a man from the union who said that if he had not had a literacy coach his first year, he would have never made it. We talked a little about the inequity of it all and how the district HAS money, but spends it in other ways that does not benefit our students. So, it made me feel good that the union is fighting for jobs, and the district's initiatives will change and I will be very prepared for those changes. But the thing is, right now, it sucks, looking for a job. I don't think anyone would like looking for a job. But, while I'm jobless, I'm focusing on myself, and volunteer work.

Tomorrow's the day the posting comes out! After I work on resumes and get them sent out, I plan to be watching, Friends With Benefits, hopefully for the early show!

HG

Tuna Chowder

I love tuna chowder. It's something that my mom found in a cookbook years ago. We still have that cookbook and the tuna chowder page is all marked up and easily found because we've used that book for that recipe so many times. A few years ago, 2008, I asked my mom for the recipe and made it today. It is one of the most used recipe papers I have. It is also one of my favorite recipes. It is usually really good in the winter, but it's good to me anytime! So I made it today, I had some extra onions and had gotten green peppers. I don't think you guys want to hear about my love for tuna chowder, although I could go on, I will talk about some recent developments.

In terms of bipolar, I have seen my pdoc a few times, I usually see him on Thursdays. I enjoy going to visit him because he is usually able to calm me down or explain certain things to me. Today, he told me that most likely the Lithium is not going to help me on it's own, so I will probably have to take an additional medication, Depakote. I'm familiar with this medication, because it's one of those antiseizure medications that helps to work with bipolar. It's not too surprising for me that I would need to take some additional medication. I can tell that the Lithium, Seroquel, Lamictal combination is not really working, although the Lithium keeps me contained, going neither too high, or too low, but I know that taking one of the medications off will mess everything up. But, for some reason, and I can't remember why, I have to get to a particular dosage of the Lithium before he can add in the Depakote. He's trying to get away from the Seroquel as soon as possible, since it's not such a great drug to be on long term.

He also said that I need to reduce my stress. One of those stress factors would be to find a job. I'm sending my resume out and making phone calls about the online portals that I need to use to upload my information so that schools can talk to me, but the online portals are not helping me. I have one page that will not load and so I am not able to submit my application, but I am working on it.

I have also applied for unemployment. This was a difficult decision, but one that needed to be made. It's not like I'm not looking, I'm having a difficult time with the looking and when you're not the only one looking, with thousands of other people looking, it is daunting, but I still keep looking. I think tomorrow I will also contact the superior of the project that was my job for 4 years. She may have some options.

Another issue that I had was the payment for my doctor. I pay him out of pocket and then insurance pays me and I've got a FSA that pays for the rest of the cost, so for the most part he is free, but it's after I've put up the money. Today, I addressed this issue with him, because I'm obviously still in a precarious position in terms of bipolar, so I was nervous about what my options were. He said that he would work something out with me until I could get a job or at least stabilized with a job. He assured me of that, which helped reduce my anxiety.

Another thing I'm working on is exercise. I haven't been able to go out, because of the heat. But I did run for 25 minutes, which for me is about 2.5 miles. I'm looking forward to getting to the 10K. I also signed up for the Hot Chocolate 15K in November. Which will give me time to work on these goals.

I tried to upload something last week, really deep and thought provoking, the computer didn't allow me to publish it.

The importance of having structure

In having bipolar, I've learned that I need to have structure in my day. This weekend, I did not have structure, or the structure was wake up a bit and then fall asleep for hours. Yesterday I woke up at 5pm and today I woke up at 6pm. Wow! I must have needed it, and it kept me busy, but I cannot do this everyday. In one of my books I'm reading about having bipolar disorder, it suggests that having things in order will help to reduce stress, which brings on alot of the symptoms, mania and depression, in me. This makes total sense. When I was taking my online classes last semester, I had to take incompletes, because I wasn't ready, by having them written down, for the projects and became completely overwhelmed. So, for the next two semesters, I'm taking off, hopefully the stress of starting back to school will be minimal. Especially if I can keep my projects written down and keep track of them.

So, I am starting to write everything down. I used to be completely faithful in writing everything, somehow in the midst of everything, I left that behind, which has made me extremely stressed in school. I'm going to start doing that again in order to help prevent stress.

In the job hunt, I'm still looking. I've been on a few interviews, without any hires. I'm hoping for one school that would be very similar to my previous school. I do very well with that type of student. So, my principal and I are working on that school. I'm going to school and taking all my stuff that I haven't taken yet, which is alot! And, it will give my principal and I a parting point. He doesn't want to lose me, but he has to. And, I have to leave.

Things that I'm also thinking about are unemployment, food stamps, state prescription program, if I don't have any prospects at a job. I'll cut off all my extras and just live with the bare minimum, which is extremely stressful, but I continue to look.

HG

Concentration Difficulties

One of the most difficult parts of bipolar disorder, is the loss of executive functions. This means that decision making tasks are extremely difficult. This means that the things that used to be so easy to do, now take so much longer to complete or I just have no interest in completing the tasks.

In the past, I've always been one of those people who was always on top of it, bills, new job, reading online, etc. Now, and especially since February, I have not been on top of anything. I can barely remember when the due date for bills are. I barely walk out to the mailbox to get mail. I barely have any kind of memory for daily activities unless it is something I do everyday. One of my favorite activities, reading children's literature, is non existent due to concentration.

While concentration has been hard to live without, what has been even more difficult is the loss of the decision making process that used to be so easy. An example of how this affects me is when I need to make several stops for errands. Deciding which task to do first, without coming back home is a 15 minute decision to make. Then deciding the next stop, can be a 20 minute decision, and so forth. In work, deciding what the first task that needs to be completed or just getting started for the day is difficult. These are all executive functions that we all are able to make with little effort, those minute decisions that we perform within seconds, that's gone. I have faith that it will come back, several times, this has come back for a little bit, but when I begin to cycle, this is one of the first to go, and the last to come back.

Now, you might be wondering how I've been able to concentrate on this post. It's taken me nearly 30 minutes to type this message. I've been watching tv, getting up to go to the bathroom, rereading the passage, not to mention that I've been formulating this post in my head all day, which makes posting easier.

This effen sucks! ARG 2

This is the second time I'm typing this because the first one didn't get published! ARGH! It probably won't have the same kind of effect as the first post I typed, but I'll try to have the same effect.

I don't normally complain about being bipolar. But somedays it feels like I'm never getting anywhere with my symptoms and I'm always increasing or decreasing medications. Living with bipolar is a life long disorder and sometimes it just gets frustrating when after I think everything is going well, something new happens that I wasn't expecting. This is what happened last night and this morning.

So last night, I'm looking for recipes for meatloaf with cheese in it and macaroni and cheese. As I'm thinking and searching online, I'm feeling myself get a little excited. Now, for most people, this will come as a surprise, but my family knows this to be true, I am a good cook. I just don't cook for one person because it takes alot of energy to cook for one person. Anyway, back to the story. I decide to go to the store at 10:30pm to get mozzarella cheese and a variety of shredded cheeses for the macaroni and cheese. Now I'm a chef! This thinking happened so quickly!

I'm a chef and I have so much to prepare! I purchase chicken, panko, mozzarella cheese, shredded cheeses, eggs, pizza and pizza sauce, pepperoni, and sandwich meat. I left the store with 103.00 worth of food. When I got home, I immediately start preparing the pizzas, chicken in red vinagrette sauce, and cutting up the mozzarella cheese. I could not go to bed until all of the food was prepared that needed to be done last night. This morning, I started with making the egg bake that needs to sit in the refrigerator, the chicken and panko breading, cleared out the dishwasher, filled it back up. As the morning went on, I began to lose steam around cooking. I want to make the meatloaf and macaroni and cheese bake that I initially became so interested and obsessive. I am a chef!

So, this is just a tiny peek into what it is like for a bipolar person in a tiny manic state. I felt normal, right in the middle not manic or depressed, and this happened. I texted my doctor this morning and explained what was going on and he increased my dose to 2.5 tablets of lithium. This is 1125mg of lithium. And on Friday I will need to have my lithium levels checked. It sucks to have to always remember to take medicine at 36 years old for the rest of my life. I know some people have had to take medicine longer than I: for me this is a new phenomenon. I am not used to taking pills for the rest of my life for a life, long incurable disorder. Bipolar can be treated with medication, and it can be quite dangerous if I stop taking the medications that keep me "normal".

Medications: 200mg Lamictal, 100micrograms Synthroid, 600 Seroquel, 1125mg Lithium

Thanks for listening,
hiking_girl