Saturday, June 22, 2013

Depression or Bipolar

2010 was an amzaing year! I was able to complete my fundraising commitment of 1,400 to the Team To End Aids training program and ran about half the marathon on a hot day, which was pretty good for me. Went to Vegas several times this year and went to the Southern Carribbean which was heavenly!  I even had a few dates... yes romantic ones.

As 2010 turns into 2011, I visit my family in Las Vegas.  I am extremely goal focused on making these really cute blankets.  Every hour, every minute is spent on making the super cute blankets.  I sleep a limited number of hours, shop for fleece material every spare moment I have, and talk about making blankets like there is no tomorrow.  My family may have noticed something was up, they didn't tell me, until after I had left. 

Here comes the depression, after visiting my family in Mississippi.  More Celexa is the answer.  We're up to the therapuetic dose.  Let's try another medication... I get worse, not better.  My dad is ill and I'm having to take responsibility for his health updates with kidney failure from Chicago, 4 hours away from him.  I go visit about 4 times; the most I can while I'm dealing with my own issues.  More antidepressants... We tried a number of medications to get this treated and gone.... Abilify, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Remeron, Ambien to help with sleep, and I had a reaction to most. I'm currently on the Celexa at 60 mg, and Remeron at 30 mg. And no more Abilify and Wellbutrin.

I'm shopping for things that I don't need!  I'm talking super fast, focused on making a successful school check out library, buy airplane tickets to Philadelphia out of nowhere.... wait airplane tickets?  The Thursday before my birthday I told my pdoc about my spontaneous purchase that day... He gives me a quick bipolar test questionaire verbally and diagnoses me that day, saying he had suspected bipolar in the past, but was hesitant to say anything.  He says I'm bipolar 2 and immediately starts me on some bipolar medications.

In the early hours of my 36th birthday, I'm having trouble sleeping and doing lots of thinking, of course with "Married With Children" on TV in the background, shows how much real thinking I'm doing in these early hours.

At approximately 1:36am, after 33 hours of labor, my mom gave birth to me in 1975. I've had some hard birthdays, 25 and 35. I've had some easy birthdays 21, 30, 34, 36, etc. But this one is both easy and hard. Easy because of the number, but hard because of life.

I make it no secret that I have depression. I am very fortunate to be able to do so and telling people has been such a rewarding experience that I don't think it's a bad thing anymore. I think it's ok for people to wrap their heads around these things today than it was back in the day. Now, I've been struggling with depression for the past few months. I had been on Celexa 20mg. Last depression was 2 years ago and the doctor and I were going to try to taper it down. I had gotten it down to 20mg from 40mg and the depression feelings came back, hard.

So, here I am 2 years later from diagnosis and I wonder, should I say anything?  Depression was nothing compared to Bipolar Disorder.  I've been wondering if I should tell my employer so that I can get accommodations if I need them.  Most of the time, I am fine... but there are some days when I just can't concentrate or get something turned in on time.  Do I ask for extended time? I mean, my boss is sick himself.  I think he would be understanding about everything and I wouldn't use it all the time.  I think my big thing is that in order to ask for some leeway, I will need to disclose that I am bipolar. 

1 comment:

Melvia said...

I remember this period in your life. Descriptive language!